“I’m so glad you are here”. He smiled warmly as I walked into his office.
I couldn’t look him in the eye. I had been ignoring the calls, deleting the voice notes, spamming the emails. But his pursuit was relentless.
His lack of judgement now only made me feel worse.
“Let me wash up” he said. “You will find a gown behind the screen over there. Get changed and come back here.”
I felt sweat trickle down my back. My heart hammering through my chest.
I knew I was not ready. But his last email had brought to the fore the dire circumstances I was in. I could avoid him and die or face the procedure and live.
I shuddered. I didn’t want to die. Not like this…
I went behind the screen. There was a mirror screwed to the wall. I took a few mins to look at my reflection. I looked good. I heard it so often, sometimes I forgot it was all an illusion.
I was reminded of this as I took off the layers of clothing I wore to cover up my condition. I got down to the last item and I felt my toes curl.
I couldn’t believe I was doing this.
I undid the top button of the waist trainer. It was three sizes to small and gave me the hourglass figure that everybody envied. I smelt the pungent odor as I undid the remaining hooks and my true condition revealed itself.
How did I let it get this bad? It was never meant to be like this. I didn’t want to give the growth a second look. It was repulsive and repugnant to everything I had ever hoped to be. I quickly put the gown on and stepped out.
He was ready at the table. I watched him lay out sharp instruments that glistened when the light hit them. He looked up and waved me forward.
“Climb on dear.” He said warmly
“Uhm here?” I licked my lips nervously “Aren’t we going to a theatre, no anesthetic?”
“There will be no need. Let’s begin”
I gulped hard. “This is all your fault” I reminded myself. Not that it helped now.
He lowered the scalpel towards the growth. I felt the incision through my skin. I screamed!!
The pain reminded me of when I stuck my hand in fire at six years old. I received 2nd degree burns. This was worse!
I tried to move to stop him but my whole body seemed glued to the table.
The pain had reached feverish heights and I was sure I was on the cusp of death. Then it gradually began to subside till it became a dull throb.
Meanwhile, He set his face to the task at hand. No thought for my agony. Or so it seemed. I could see his face scrunched up in concentration as he cut the growth off me. He didn’t stop till had gotten it all off and I lay open. My insides exposed. Nothing hidden before him.
I didn’t like it. What if he saw everything?
He began a vigorous clean, scooping pus out into a bin beside the table…not once did he act like the smell affected him in anyway. I wanted to gag.
He touched the first rotten tumor and tugged. He sliced all around it…. A grudge of over 10 years. I had sworn I would never forgive.
“No,” I tried to explain… You don’t understand what he did, how he hurt me…”
“I must get it out … You cannot have it in there. Out of all the tumors. This gets rotten first and corrupts your whole system. The hurt will eventually subside. You will look for it and not find it. Trust me”
He did a quick suture and turned to the next large tumor. I began to shake and squirm
“Please don’t” I whispered, “That is how I survive.”
“That’s why I must get it out. I am not impressed. You can’t act Christian with Christians and act worldly with the world. Just as HE who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do…”
Next, He took out hate pretending to be religion, pride cloaked in humility, hypocrisy guised as wisdom, laziness and gluttony came out as well.
It was painful. I had carried all these for so long undetected because I wore my Christian outer garment so well.
I had to admit… I felt better already but this process was torturous.
I was happy he was done… I was finally clean… I was going to get better, I knew it.
I lifted my head off the table to look at him and said “Thank you”
He looked at me sadly… and it hit me… it wasn’t over.
“No! noooo!! Nooooooo!!!” This time I trashed and fought against the invisible force with all my might. Fear gave me strength. But I couldn’t get out of the grip.
He plunged his whole arm into my insides…. I screamed as my back arched in agony
“JESUS NOOOOOO….!”
He didn’t flinch… he dug even deeper… he hands brushed past all the exposed flesh from the tumors removed, but that didn’t hurt as much as… he went deeper. To places I had tried to forget, I pretended did not exist.
“Jesus no… nobody knows… please don’t…”
He had tears in his eyes, but he kept on going. I knew the minute he touched it.
I tried escaping again, but there is only so much you can do when the great physician has his hand deep in the innermost part of your heart.
I eventually settled… whimpering.
“Please let’s not touch it.” I resorted to bargaining. “I can serve you without acknowledging it…I’ll do anything you want” I pleaded. The fear of being exposed so great I was willing to end it all
“I know…” was all he said. “I have always known. Let me help you. It doesn’t have to be a part of your life. I am the one that makes all things new…Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, I will strengthen you and help you. Do you understand me, child?”
I was so scared. But he asked me to trust him. I did.
“Yes, Lord… I surrender.”
He plunged his second arm in… and yanked out a 20-year-old secret I planned to take to my grave.
Before I could react, he quickly began to suture every cut and clean out my system. As he washed my insides, his blood and tears intermingled with mine. I felt the change from deep inside me as he made me clean, so clean I smelt like a freshly washed baby.
He was smiling as he closed me up.
“You have been very brave, and I am so proud of you… go, change and come back let’s have a word before you leave.”
I jumped down from the table. I couldn’t believe how light I felt… this was great! It was like going through the fire and coming out better… like gold.
I looked at my reflection in the changing room. Wow so this was the real me. I wasn’t as synched and perfect looking as I was when I came in… but then that was just for show. For the first time in years I genuinely liked what I saw. My stomach was completely flat, but right in the middle a large scar was visible from underneath my ribcage to my pelvic bone.
I heard his voice through the curtain… “It’s a reminder. So, you never forget.”
I blushed. I forgot how close we used to be, where he would read my thoughts and I could tell immediately what he was thinking. It had been a long time.
When I came out, he handed me a bag and a piece of paper.
“Now take this …till next time”
“What? next time?”
“Yes, my child. Till next time. You don’t think this is a once off do you?”
He chuckled as he perched on the edge of the table.
“Take your tablets regularly. And if you have even the slightest, I mean even the tiniest symptom. Run to me… Never let it get as bad as it was today. The thing is…when you try and hide the problem you deceive only yourself… your righteousness will always be like filthy rags.”
He lifted my chin gently forcing me to look at him.
“What have I been saying in my emails and messages to you?”
I saw in his eyes, no reproach…
“Repent… Behold you desire truth in the inward parts…”
“Yes…and?”
“And in the hidden part, you shall make me know wisdom.”
“Good good. Remember, I will always be here to help you.” He placed his hand on my back lightly as he walked me to the door. “So, I’ll see you soon?”
I nodded “Can I come tomorrow?”
He grinned… “As often as you need to my child.”
As I skipped down the street, smiling from ear to ear. My heart full of joy unspeakable. I thought to myself.
“I think I’ll go back this evening.”
©Ogugua Ajayi
